


Dark Things In Our Souls

by padfootagain



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Animagus, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Marauders, Marauders' Era, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 14:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16955502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/padfootagain/pseuds/padfootagain
Summary: A jealous Sirius makes a mistake that forces him to confess his feelings for you.





	Dark Things In Our Souls

**Author's Note:**

> That was part of an event on tumblr.  
> The following prompts were asked for Sirius:  
> 37\. “Fine, then leave me alone and go. Breaking everything you touch is the only thing you can do anyway.”  
> 50\. “Perhaps I never speak about myself because there’s nothing to tell. Or perhaps I’m just trying to protect you… or myself… or both of us.”  
> 51\. “There is too much darkness in me. I don’t want dark things to conquer your soul like they’ve conquered mine.”  
> Hope you all like it!

Sirius was staring at you, his grey eyes fixed upon your back. He kept himself hidden by the trees of the Forbidden Forest, remaining under their safe shelter and out of your sight. He knew that you would kill him if you knew that he was spying on you.

What else could he do though? You were dating that stupid Ravenclaw…

Sirius thanked his sharpened senses as his dog form was allowing him to listen to your conversation while staying at a pretty safe distance from you.

He could hear everything…

“And so we went to Cardiff for the holidays,” Jeremy said.

“How was it?” you asked, tilting your head in interest.

“Great! We had lots of fun…”

Despite the fact that Sirius was currently under the form of a dog, he rolled his eyes. The conversation was so boring…

He lied down on the ground, resting his head upon his paws, his eyes still fixed upon you. Under his Animagus form, feelings and thoughts worked differently. They were kind of… shushed. If his senses were sharper, his thoughts were often slower to form in his mind, impulses and instinct dominating his logic. His feelings were simpler as well, and often less intense than when he was a boy. It didn’t make them disappear though, and as his grey eyes kept on studying your soft features, your beaming smile, your delicate frame, his heart was still melting.

Merlin, he didn’t even know before meeting you that it was possible to love someone so much…

He grunt shortly, shaking his head to clear his mind. It wasn’t the kind of thoughts that he was supposed to have. He had made this promise to himself a long time ago. He wasn’t good enough for you. You were light and happiness and kindness all mixed up in perfect balance with optimism and humour… when he… was just a broken soul fighting against a darkness he knew kept on creeping and creeping up inside him, slowly but irrevocably conquering his soul bits by bits. You deserved better than a boy who would make your light disappear with his own darkness…

He listened to the conversation again, and during the few minutes when he had not been paying attention to you and your date, things had dramatically evolved.

“Are you sure?” Jeremy asked, leaning closer to you.

“Yeah… I don’t know…” you breathed, your cheeks reddening.

“Is it because it’s our first date?” he asked. “Or is it because it would be your first kiss?”

Sirius’s blood froze into his veins, his ears dressing up upon his head.

“It wouldn’t be my first kiss, but I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of kissing a boy on our first date.”

“It’s just a kiss.”

Sirius slowly stood up, his jaw clenched and teeth already visible.

“Look… really, you’re making me feel uncomfortable…”

“Do I?”

“Yes, you do.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“Stop leaning towards me then…”

Both you and Jeremy jumped at the sound of a loud bark, but you couldn’t see anything through the tall trees behind you… You could have sworn to have recognized that bark but you couldn’t see the dark dog you were looking for anywhere…

“It must just be a branch cracking,” Jeremy tried to bring your attention back to him.

You shook yourself, focusing on the Ravenclaw again.

“Jeremy, I like you, okay… but it’s just not me.”

“Are you sure?”

He leaned even closer, but before you could push him away the barking resumed, much louder and more aggressive this time. And when you turned around, you recognized Sirius’s Animagus form running away from the Forbidden Forest, rushing towards Jeremy. Before you could make a single movement, he had jumped upon the poor Ravenclaw, making him fall backwards onto the grass.

The boy was shouting, trying to push Sirius away, who was still furiously grunting and roaring at him, his sharp teeth glimmering in the light of May.

“Si…” you caught yourself despite your anger to avoid revealing your friend’s secret. “Stop!”

You pushed him away from Jeremy, and if he looked at you with anger for a second, as soon as his brain understood that it was you who were pushing him away from the terrified Ravenclaw, Sirius calmed down.

He let you push him away without fighting back, his ears now falling down, a sheepish expression on his face.

“WHAT FOR MERLIN’S SAKE IS THAT THING?!” Jeremy cried.

“It’s just a dog,” you calmed him down.

“I’ll call for Hagrid… he’ll take this beast away.”

Sirius grunted again, a menacing expression twisting his face, but you glared at him, and he slowly calmed down again, falling silent one more time.

“No need,” you told the Ravenclaw boy next to you. “I’m sure he’ll go away.”

Sirius lowered his head, crying softly, the high pitched sound breaking your heart.

“You know… I think we should go back now,” Jeremy said, clearly not reassured yet.

But your eyes were still fixed upon the Sirius’s sad form, and you exhaled loudly.

“I’ll stay here for a bit longer though,” you breathed, and Sirius’s eyes met yours once more.

“Are you sure… this dog seems… dangerous.”

“I’m sure, you should go,” you told Jeremy, and the boy didn’t insist again, walking back towards the Castle.

You waited to be sure that both you and Sirius were out of sight to turn towards your friend, glowering at him.

“I really do hope that you have an excellent explanation to all this…” you whispered through gritted teeth.

Sirius looked up at you with sheepish eyes.

“Oh… don’t give me that look!” you warned him waving your finger at him. “You’re not getting away with this, Sirius. Turn. Back.”

The next second, it was a boy who was staring at you.

“Y/N… I can explain…” he started.

“Oh, I hope for you that you can come up with something good enough to convince me not to blow your balls off!”

“Now… that would be very cruel of you… and we both know that you’re not cruel, sweetheart.”

“Don’t call me like that!”

“Is babe better?”

“SIRIUS!”

He instantly fell silent…

He had never heard you shout at him before. He wasn’t used to this wild side of you…

“What the hell was that?!” you shouted. “What were you doing as a dog here… Were you spying on me?!”

“Now…spying is a strong word… Let’s say that I was keeping an eye on you.”

“Sirius!”

“What?!”

You heaved a frustrated sigh.

“I can’t believe you’ve just done that…” you whispered, aghast and infuriated at the same time.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“No, you’re not! I know that you’re not really sorry, Sirius! That’s the problem!”

You took a step closer to him.

“Why would you do that anyway?” you asked, pain passing through your eyes, and Sirius clenched his jaw at the sight.

But he didn’t answer, and you narrowed your eyes at him, taking one more step, your two chests now very close, so close that they were almost touching.

“Sirius… why did you do that?”

He swallowed hard, his brain working at full speed, looking for an explanation, a fake excuse, a lie, anything to throw at you to feed your curiosity…

“Are you jealous?” you asked slowly.

He bit down the inside of cheek.

Shit…

“Why would I be jealous?” he replied, faking a smile.

“You look like it. And you almost bit the guy who was about to kiss me…”

“I didn’t bite him, I jumped onto him to avoid him to… do something you didn’t want him to do.”

“Sirius…”

“You clearly told him that you didn’t want him to kiss you!” he protested. “And he tried to do it anyway, the fucking cockroach!”

“You shouldn’t even have been here, Sirius! This is insane… I hope you realize that at least.”

He clenched his jaw even more tightly.

“Now, answer me. Answer me, Sirius. Were you jealous?”

He looked down at his feet, but remained silent.

“I know that… we’re flirting from time to time…” you said, but he interrupted you, his voice sounding cold but you could hear that it was shaking.

“I’m not expecting anything more from you than us being friends, Y/N.”

“And yet here you are…”

He looked at you again.

“I don’t… I didn’t mean it that way…”

“Don’t lie to me,” you warned him.

He closed his mouth again, building walls made of silence all around him once more.

“Sirius…” you whispered, your voice soft again, and you reached up to rest a soothing hand on his arm.

He was closing himself to you, and you didn’t want to lose him. You didn’t want him to be locked behind walls he was building for himself…

But he stepped back, and without a word, he strode away.

“Oh, really?!” you cried, hurrying after him. “So that’s how you think you’re going to make things better, huh? Running away from _me_?”

He didn’t reply, merely quickening his already fast pace.

“ _Fine, then leave me alone and go! Breaking everything you touch is the only thing you can do anyway!_ ” you shouted after him, and he could hear that you were crying now.

He froze, stopping dead in his track. It was both because of your words that echoed through him in a way that you could have never imagined, and your tone… that sound of pain in your voice….

He didn’t turn around though, he kept his back to you. He didn’t have the strength to see your expression.

“What are you doing?” you asked, angrily sweeping the tears away from your eyes. “I don’t get it…”

You walked to him, forcing him to turn towards you.

“Sirius… are you jealous?”

“We can’t be together… we will never be. So I don’t see why knowing this would change anything?” he snapped.

“It changes everything… And why? Why do you say that? That we could never be together…?”

“Because we can never be together. It’s a fact.”

“A fact? Where does that come from?”

“From me.”

“So you don’t feel anything for me, you don’t care about me at all, you don’t see anything more than a friend in me but you turn into a dog to spy on me while I’m on a date? You’ll have to admit that this sounds pretty fucked up.”

He clenched his jaw, not answering again.

“Sirius… it… it makes no sense,” you breathed.

He looked down at his feet, crossing his arms before his chest.

“Could we just… forget it all happened?” he proposed.

“No, we can’t.”

“I thought that you wouldn’t agree…”

He heaved a sigh, running a hand through his long dark hair in frustration, looking up at you again.

He shrugged, a hurt look on his face.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked.

“Just tell me why? Why can’t we be together? Why have you done this? Why are you saying all these things…?”

“I’m not good enough for you.”

You fell silent, staring at him with a puzzled expression that he couldn’t help but find cute.

“I’m not good enough for you, Y/N,” he repeated. “I will never be.”

“Why would you say that… you’re my friend.”

“I’ve never wanted to be your friend though.”

Your eyes widened with shock, but his own body was shaking. He was letting out things he knew he was supposed to keep for himself. But he had kept all this buried in the deepest parts of his heart for so long… he just couldn’t keep them for himself anymore. It felt so liberating to finally confess everything…

“I’ve always seen much more than a friend in you,” he breathed. “But you… you’re so kind… and beautiful and pure and you’re just…”

He shook his head, withheld tears shining in his eyes.

“You’re so kind to me,” he whispered. “And I knew that… I _know_ that if I try to be more than a friend then I will spoil everything we have…”

“Why?”

“Because you’re so much better than me!” he answered. “You’re so much better and you… you deserve better. I’m just… a broken boy.”

“Of course not,” you shook your head, reaching for him and resting your hands upon his crossed arms. “Sirius, you’re not like that at all…”

“I won’t let you get hurt because of me,” he replied firmly. “I won’t let you suffer because of who I am. I’m not… I’m not even sure that I’m… _good._ ”

“Of course you’re a good man, Sirius,” you shook your head.

“Not after all I’ve been through,” he replied, and it was his turn to shake his head. “I’ve been through hell. No one can get out of something like that without being bruised. Without… having… to the very soul…”

His voice broke.

“Sirius, you’re wrong. You’re so brave.”

“ _There is too much darkness in me. I don’t want dark things to conquer your soul like they’ve conquered mine._ ”

You smiled.

“But there is darkness everywhere, Sirius, and in me as well already. Without darkness, how could you know that there’s light as well.”

His lips parted slightly, but he couldn’t answer. His throat was too tight for any noise to pass his lips.

“If you saw more than a friend in me, you could have just told me,” you smiled, an amused glint shining in your eyes. “You didn’t have to turn into a dog and do all this show.”

He smiled.

“You should have told me, Sirius,” you sighed. “You should have told me everything and actually… actually you should tell me everything now.”

He shrugged, not protesting as you uncrossed his arms and took his calloused hands in yours.

“ _Perhaps I never speak about myself because there’s nothing to tell,_ ” he whispered _._ “ _Or perhaps I’m just trying to protect you… or myself… or both of us._ ”

“I know that you would never hurt me, though,” you smiled.

“It wouldn’t be safe… or reasonable for you to be with someone like me. You should have much better…”

“I reckon that it’s my choice to make, not yours.”

“I’m not good enough for you.”

“I think you are though,” you replied, smiling at him again.

He smiled back at you this time.

“It was… kinda stupid, right?” he winced.

“It was completely stupid. You could have just asked me on a date.”

He bit down his lips, before tightening his hold on your hands.

“That would be a bad idea,” he warned you.

“I love bad ideas.”

“You shouldn’t do that…”

“Why don’t you shut up and let me give you an answer?”

He bit down on his lip again, before taking a sharp intake of breath, and letting the question slip out of his mouth in a trembling whisper.

“Would you go on a date with me?” he asked softly.

You smiled, shrugging.

“I don’t know… what are your arguments?” you teased.

In the blink of an eye, he turned into a dog again, and he looked up at you with the cutest puppy eyes imaginable.

“Now… that’s such a cheap move!” you laughed.

He started to cry softly, and you covered your face with your hands, blushing hard.

“Alright, alright… stop it!” you laughed. “I’ll go on a date with you, you can stop now.”

He barked happily, jumping upon you, trying to lick your face but only managing to make you fall backwards onto the grass, made warm by the bright sun of spring.

“Sirius!” you doubled with laughter as he licked your face. “Stop!”

He nuzzled his snout against your cheek.

“I said yes, stop it!” you giggled.

He finally turned into a boy again, letting out a loud wave of laughter.

“You’re such a moron,” you admonished.

You finally noticed that he was lying upon you.

“You’re heavy,” you breathed.

But he shook his head, a mischievous smile curving up his lips.

“No, I’m not.”

He rested his brow against yours, and you ran a hand through his hair.

“I don’t kiss boys after the first date. And I’m definitely not kissing a boy _before_ our first date.”

He smiled.

“Deal.”

“Sirius… if we’re doing this. If we’re going this way… you need to promise me something. Promise me that you’ll tell me everything about you. No more secrets. I know that there are dark things lurking in your past, probably in your present as well, perhaps even in your future. I don’t care. I want to face those demons with you. Do you promise?”

He gave you a tender smile, before nodding slowly.

“That’s a deal, Y/N.”


End file.
